Overcoming the Fear of Loneliness
“The past is history, the future is a mystery, and this moment is a gift. That is why this moment is called “the present.”
Overcoming the Fear of Loneliness through the Art of Healing Your Heart and what’s most important is understanding how to sustain your boundaries and invite times to pause, rest, and explore, while being comfortable alone. This can be a great challenge for many.
One of J-lo’s biggest fears was “being alone,” in an interview she had after one of her breakups. A woman, mother, influencer, artist, creative. who has it ALL, can have ANYTHING she could ever want, and yet felt the uncomfortable tug of not having a companion to share herSelf with. She found herself alone.
How many of you struggle with loneliness?
Be it the loss of a loved one, end of a relationship, moving to a new place….?
In an effort to not be alone, one tends to “settle” for what the environment, person, or place they are in currently provides. Opening themselves up to the daunting cycle of friends “setting them up,” “accepting unwelcomed proposals and hurtful words,” “choosing to settle for someone, someplace, or something knowing they/it are not good for you,” and in turn enter into the downward spiral of thoughts known as Pragya Apardh (ignorance of the intellect as it is known in Ayurveda), and close their hearts to new possibilities.
As Illi has said on numerous occasions, “ignorance is bliss to the ego.”
The ego, the “I-ness,” tricks one into thinking that “they will never find the right one…,” “it’s cheaper to keep her..,” “I don’t want to hurt them….,” “we’ve had some good times….,” “I don’t want to move,” “I don’t want to get hurt again,” and yet, You remain attached to the person, place, or thing, because you are afraid of being alone…
What is loneliness truly?
In my opinion, loneliness is the fear of looking in the mirror and being comfortable with all your perfect imperfections. It is facing the truth of who you are and finding acceptance within awakening into your wholeness.
Have you ever wondered why every time you misplace something and you are going nuts looking for it you can never find it, and then, when you aren’t looking for it, it shows up?
It’s because you surrender the search and allow it to just come. All the while you continue to move forward, and sometimes, you even forget about it. The same holds true with discovering one’s Self. When you let go of the attachment of the want or need to be with someone, something, or someplace and enter into the wholeness of yourSelf, all of a sudden, the very companion, place, or thing you were seeking, finds you. We become more aware of the signs.
Coming into your wholeness is the purest gold. Remaining in the ego only brings fools gold.
When you come into your wholeness, you appreciate the quiet moments of getting things done, not having to “prove yourself,” or constantly questioning each other. You only have yourSelf and the divine to answer to. You are able to focus and refine yourself while truly understanding the sacred boundaries of knowing what you desire and what you will not “put up” with anymore.
“Your peace is priceless” - as Illi says.
An old boyfriend once told me, “I may not know what I want, but I know what I DON’T want.” I learned so much in those words because when clouded by illusion, we are unclear as to what the desires of our hearts are. We know what we don’t want, yet, are willing to put up with whatever along the way only to not be alone.
Ram Dass said, “the more conscious person in the relationship, will give the other room to grow.” This is very important, as space is pivotal for all involved. Two individuals come together to share a life together, whilst already being on their own unique journey. There will be adjustments within the schedule to be with one another, but never should one impose themselves onto the other during the space of growth, creativity, and evolution.
This is where “holding space,” and “creating healthy boundaries” come into play. Hence the reason for being comfortable with being alone. In the space of being alone, you discover your dharma or have the time to expand within it.
Your companion must respect this as much as you respect their growth. And as we have learned in the past from @param_joytish,
“respect is the highest form of love.”
Keep in mind, this is the respect or reverence you need to give Your Self, so you can make the conscious decisions to let go of environments, places, and things that are holding you back from your expansive growth.
Deepak Chopra says, “the more tuned in you are to the mind of nature, the more you have access to its infinite, unbounded creativity. But first, you have to go beyond the turbulence (Pragya aparadh), of your internal dialogue to connect with that abundant, affluent, infinite, creative mind.”
When one is lonely, you may experience thoughts of unworthiness, self-doubt, or feel that you aren’t “good enough.” These are common thoughts for those that go in and out of relationships, whilst being in a space of denial wearing a mask that they are “good with themselves,” while still seeking someone to “fill the void.”
The void you seek to fill is filled by You. You alone. You treat yourself to the luxuries of life, the quiet moments, and begin to value yourself more. If you remain in a space of loneliness, you will only attract those that will take advantage of your bleeding heart only to manipulate the circumstance and in turn, hurt you even more.
“Hurt, people, hurt people.”
Hence why maintaining healthy boundaries is truly important as you value your worth.
Your mantra may become:
I Value mySelf enough to know…… (fill in the blank here)
I Love mySelf enough to know…… (fill in the blank here)
Trust the intuition within the fire of your belly. You know when something is not right.
Rabbi Julius Gordon said, “Love is not blind, it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.” For those in the Catholic or religious sector, you may have heard the bible verse, 1 Peter 4:8
“Love covers a multitude of sins…”
Understand that although these sound wonderful, and they are, it is not an excuse for you to be a doormat and remain in the merry-go-round of abuse be it physical, emotional, mental, verbal, manipulative, or self-imposed, all for the sake of not wanting to be alone.
Having fear of leaving a circumstance will not only cause you more harm mentally but physically, as your digestive fire (agni) will also become aggravated and in turn affect you from the inside out, losing the light (Ojas in Ayurveda) you once had and the ability to shine from your highest. You may aggravate your appetite, your daily cycle, routine, enter into depression, become addicted to not only substances, overeating, and the like, but also become addicted to the pain of being hurt. Almost like a dog being “trained,” or “conditioned” to such behavior…
In fact, when what your heart desires most comes into being, you don’t even recognize it because you are attached to the conditioned cycle of the past hurts and so it slips away like sand between your fingers. At times one becomes addicted to the cycle like a drug. knowing it is bad, yet the fear of letting go leads to what my friend Drew said once, “God it’s crazy how we lie to ourselves when we’re convinced we want something, no matter how bad it is for us.”
Journal on this:
How can one find true happiness if stuck in the cycle of hurt?
Are you remaining a victim of your own circumstances?
Are you living in denial of the truth that is in front of you?
Loneliness is a tricky emotion.
You can love from afar and still enliven your own wellspring so as to return back to the wholeness of who you truly are. To return to the daily routines that keep you healthy and motivated, empowered and uplifted.
How are you showing up for YourSelf?
As Deepak Chopra also says, “the coexistence of opposites - stillness and dynamism at the same time- makes you independent of situations, circumstances, people and things.” This is the essence of coming into your self-worth, accepting and appreciating the gift of being lonely, and valuing the sacred moments of being alone. Illi said once, “I was trying to get them to see something and was holding myself back from being something.”
Being alone is the time one is gifted to refine themselves and commune with the highest Source. Be it God, the Universe, or whatever you wish to call It. It is where you come back home and enter into the blissful body of consciousness. Communing with nature and silently witnessing the intelligence within every living thing.
My Challenge to you on the journey is to not just overcome loneliness, but to embrace it:
Go for a walk in the park, on the beach, in your neighborhood, or sit on the porch, in the living room looking out the window, work on your house, organize your closet, etc. Do something, without looking at your phone for 20mins - 1hour. When you return, ask yourself:
How did that feel?
Write it down if you are a journaler, or begin a new 40 day Kriya practice
make this your new addiction/ habit daily
Help yourself to help yourSelf.
The universe operates through dynamic exchange. In order to befriend loneliness, you must begin the process of accepting yourSelf and the nectar of life. The qualities (gunas) of the moments that make up who you are. As Deepak puts it, “the flow of life (and I might add loss/ grief/ sadness and the like), is nothing other than the harmonious interaction of all the elements and forces that structure the field of existence.”
It is our birthright to experience intimacy and to enjoy the well-being, healing, and unconditional love that has been there for you all along. By closing your heart you allow fear to take over and create your own blockages towards being alone to refine yourself.
In the process of refinement, you come into alignment. When you come into alignment, is when you awaken into your wholeness. When you awaken into your wholeness, what you had been seeking, finds you. When it finds you, will you be ready to embrace it fully knowing that there may be a time when your “loneliness” may present itself again…
“The past is history, the future is a mystery, and this moment is a gift. That is why this moment is called “the present.”
Stay healthy my friends…
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References and Resources:
Our Daily Bread; School of Pain, Dennis Fisher (2019)
Banyan Botanicals - Use code: CHRISTINA15 to save 15% on all products
Mountain Rose Herbs - Save on your monthly orders
Mayo Clinic, Broken Heart Syndrome Blog
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